tuesday. my usual schedule:

1. go to women's studies, learn something new and interesting, debate, and take notes and hope to the Lord on high i pass this final
2. go to acting class, deal with the stupid soap opera i would rather not be apart of, make fun of everything with silas, paulina, tom and audry, talk to chelsae whom i love, and try to make my acting class experience not a waste of $240
3. go to "pueblo joes" a name inwhich i still see no point (but whats in a name) help audry flirt with brian, make fun of acting class with paulina, tom, silas and audry.
4. go to my geography class, sit and listen to my teacher ramble on about history and how it effects us today, love it, laugh about it later, and then go up the stairs and wait for mark.
5. go in the library and chill on the internet with audry and occasionally josh to entertain me.
6. go to rehersal
7. go to marks.
8. deal with life.

thats my usual schedule. and i hate when that gets disruppted. today was one of those days. i could feel it. i knew that audry wouldnt be here and that would be a damper.. but the entire day/week thus far has just been totally horrible!!

i started myeaster like any other.. except i didnt dye eggs the previous night as i was dancing on saturday night and wasnt home to dye said eggs.. ok more like i danced three dances with an amazing dancer and then we to the river walk and sang under a brige for probobly the better half of an hour and then went to ihop picking my boyfriend up along the way and joking around with my amazing friends (pictures soon to come if paulina stops being lazy haha) so i woke up late, and have a nice little battle with an essay that i had to fix that was due the next day. now essays are not my favorite thing in the entire world so i just pretty much tried my best but am not expecting more than a c. once that was finished i found a spot on my couch and sat there reading about the celts only later to find myself sleeping on my celtic books rather than study for an important paper tha ti know i have due soon and really shouldnt have ignored this long. the day went off nicely.. it was just a sunday at home.. nothing more nothing less.. until.. im not really sure how everything went down the more i think about it the foggier it becomes.. i guess thats how i have coped with dealing with things for 20 years i just block them out... or run crying to stephen, but as stephen is in another state, soon to be in another country, i decided that i would deal with it on my own (this decision came after about two hours of crying) i turned on light. no idea what i was doing..i think i might have just gotten out of the shower.. my dad was watching television...i think the simpsons.. something to that effect.. and once the light went on darkness kicked in.. my dad yelled for me to turn the light down. i said to hold on because my bangs were bugging me and needed trimming.. i went into the bathroom only to come out and find the light had been turned down to nothing but a soft glow. thats the pain with having one of those supposedly convinient lights that have a knob to dull or brighten the light to effect. annoying. i had absolutly no emotion in my voice when i said "i have to study" he turned into that dad i know so well when comming home late or getting an F on a report card. the mean dad. the dad i promised myself i would never see after highschool because i didnt want to deal with it any more. he started yelling.. and the words "GO FUCK YOURSELF" seeped out. i have no idea why.. or how.. or what else went down. i remember him shoving me aside (not really hurting me mind you...not in a physical way at least) and slamming his door shut.
that began it all
i started crying.. of course.. ooh big suprise.. but i wasnt crying because i was shocked not this time.. thats usually what happens.. oh no. this time it was so much more. i realized i really havnt had a father the past year.. 2008 was not good to me...but 2009 a bunch of things happened. for goodness sakes... around thanksgiving his friend got a divorce.. or at least thats when it all started for him.. and ever sense they (my dad and him.. occasionally my mom and my brotherinlaw when he is in town) go to breakfast every sunday morning. i usually work till 11 and dont want to do much in the morning. so no. in my opinion i feel like my dad hasnt exactly been there for me at all. he is more focused on that. and i was fine with it until now.
you see
i woke up in the morning yesterday like always, (this tends to be a good thing ) but an unusual occurance i had a dr appointment that i was actually rather nervous for. you see i had an irregular cycle last month and was worried something was wrong with me. i have never gone to the gyno before and after next tuesday i hope it will be my last experience. not horrible.. but invasive. i am sorry for all you pregnant ladies out there who have to do this on like a weekly (im exagerating) basis! i called the dr to see what my copay was so my mom could give me some money. they said "$40" see you at 9:30" and i was like "wait wait wait.. its at 2:30?!" turns out i was so delirious in my state of pain i completely misunderstood and scheduled the appointment for the morning during my class in said class the essay was due and i HAD to turn it in (thankgoodness for learning centers that take late work and time stamp it for teachers to pick up) i wasnt that panicked.. but my appointment was in 15 minutes and i was at home on the south side and it was all the way at parkview! i got there in a very speedy haste and made it on time.. waited for about twenty minutes and went it. i will spare you the details of my disgusting encounter but lets just say if you ever get the chance to read "my angry vagina" from the "vagina monologues" that is exactly what its like!! (btw its nothing gross it just says a bunch of stuff about how uncomfortable it is no details lol) once i got dressed again and the dr reentered the room, she said they were going to do some cultures on my pap and get back to me, i asked if she had any idea what might be wrong and she said it
a syst.
syst?
syst.
f*ck!
scariest moment in my life. ok ok its nothing THAT big and i am pretty sure its not life threatning. but i am terrified.
scared shi*less
so i went about my history class as usual, then work, nothing really big happened during those two moments.. but damn. scary stuff. work was unimpressive. i had to work in juniors for about an hour then womens till around close and then finally ended up in my own personal hell, the childrens department folding infant clothes thinking constantly of "ooh i should buy this for mason" as he is pretty much the only child i consider to enjoy! my cousins are so offbase with me.. i guess thats a trait well known on my dads side...
and now here i am. there is so much more i want to say.. but i feel all typed out. really i am sitting in the library hoping that audry got back early or that josh will be around so that i can talk to someone. i was sitting in my geography class and got dizy. well, my sister might have a syst too and she gets dizzy alot and i cant help but wonder what is wrong with us both. if we are ok or not. i am scared. scared and alone. this play, well, the play itself is frustrating and in my opinion lame. lamer than one could predict it. but the real lameness of it is that it hasnt been costumed till yesterday, i dont think we have cast people to do certain IMPORTANT things backstage and i am supposed to run lights.. yyyyyeah and i havnt even been taught the light bored. they are going to love me when i say "no" because they are too lazy to show me what to do. its been stressful but i cant tell you how much fun its been. being able to get to know audry and paulina, josh, tom, and silas (although he isnt in the play he is a huge part of my acting world here) and being able to act with ashley again is wonderful. i love that girl so much. she is so freaking awsome!!
school this semester has been one of the best experiences of my life. i was terrified to come back.last semester i was constantly in a state of "who am i" and this semester i know who i am now. i am strong. and i am amy. and i need to remember that.
i feel good. i just need to get my physical health taken care of like i took care of my mental health